Ten Commandments for a Successful Relationship

Nancy Friedman, M.S.W. R.S.W. - Registered Social Worker

When clients seek counselling with the hope of improving their relationships with their spouses, they often each believe that they are right, and the other is wrong. If only the other saw things their way, all would be well. They feel unappreciated, not listened to, and taken advantage of. They ask for advice as to how to help them change their spouse, so they can both be happier. This is understandable as we all believe that we are good people and follow the right path, otherwise, we would select another path. Looking at ourselves critically does not come naturally to us and feels counter intuitive.

If you are looking for a counsellor that will tell you that you are right and your partner is wrong, you are doing a disservice to yourself. This is not going to solve your problems.

If you want someone to justify your position and tell you that you are right, speak with a best friend or a family member. If you want someone to help you with a solution to your issues, speak with a counsellor who is solution focused.

We are much more likely to succeed if we cooperate rather than compete with one another.

Here are some strategies you may want to try to assist you in improving your relationship, which I call “The Ten Commandments for a Successful Relationship”:

1. Be each other’s top priority: This is not easy as we all have multiple competing priorities such as work, children, extended family, friends, hobbies, etc. Setting a time to connect at least once a week to go on a date will help you reconnect with one another.

2. Communicate, communicate, communicate: Even for those of us who have been together for many years, we still have not succeeded in becoming mind readers. Try and minimize written communication (texts/emails) for things like shopping lists and sharing ETAs. Only 7% of communication are the words we say. 93% is body language, tone of voice, and facial expression. The best communication is in-person so we can see and hear one another.

3. Compromise = Not getting everything you want: There are two people involved and therefore, both their needs and wants should be considered to decide on a plan that you both buy into.

4. People do not change, only circumstances change. Make the circumstances work for you: We meet our spouse and fall in love, notice some things we don’t like about them but decide to stay together, convinced of our ability to change them. This can lead to never ending arguments, increased frustration, and resentment. The best way to facilitate change is role model without pressure and lecturing. If it looks appealing, the other may try it on their own. Learn to adjust with changes in circumstances.

5. Set goals annually: Support each other to set individual professional and personal goals. Create goals for the two of you as a couple, and as a family, to be able to support each other and maintain the connection.

6. Argue to solve – not to win: If you win, you lose because it will create resentment in the other person.

7. Remember when you argue – you are on the same side: Disagreements and debates are healthy and necessary to assist you in finding the optimal solution that will work for both of you.

8. We teach people how to treat us.  (a Phil McGraw saying which I like) Translation – Respect and you will be respected: Be the change you want to see.

9. Smile at the world and the world will smile at you: Starting a discussion with a smile and a compliment will set the tone for a much more productive discussion than a frown and a criticism.

10. Always remember the day you chose to be together: Write down the reasons that attracted you to one another when you first met. From that time look at your photos and videos, and your notes and messages to each other, to reconnect with these feelings.

A successful relationship is not a 50%-50% relationship, it is a 100%-100% relationship.